My transformers review!

This is my wonderfully well written review of the film "Transformers". Enjoy.

Your opinions on Michael Bay’s live action interpretation of “Transformers” may well depend on whether you bought into the massively popular 1980’s toy line from Japanese manufacturer Hasbro. Bay’s self referential, fan boy movie about giant sci-fi robots trashing their way through various contempary US settings, including the now obligatory “war on terror” inspired Middle Eastern desert skirmish, will undoubtedly be enjoyed by those of us who spent slightly awkward, pre-pubescent years playing out intergalactic conflict from the safety of our bedrooms.

The movie is an assault on the senses, as loud and brash as any summer blockbuster, and in comparison to Bay’s other work, the insipid “Armageddon” and justifiably maligned “Pearl Harbour”, it is occasionally elevated above mediocrity. Bay’s climax, the red, white and blue coloured Optimums Prime, leader of the autobots, facing off to the evil Decepticon, spiky-grey Megatron, is explosive. The sight of these two machines, in an extended brawl reminiscent of “The Terminator” or “Godzilla”, tearing each other apart in the closing twenty minutes is surely the high point of the film. Flawless special effects will really make you believe that 30 ft high robots walk among us.

Unfortunately, it takes just over 2 hours to get there. What we are left with is a plot so lamentable it is practically forgotten half way through the film, and characters so loosely drawn as to become forgettable, walking stereotypes. Black characters are donught eating computer nerds, or fast-talking used car salesmen who still live with their grandmas, who are themselves abusive loudmouths. The token, white female presence qualifies as either “chicks that like cars” or “chicks with intelligence and top secret, national security clearance”. They seem present simply to titillate the predominately male audience with exposed navels, pouting lips, and their abilities with a screwdriver, or provide occasional plot revelations surrounding an alien audio encryption to various high ranking US officials.

The plot, slight as it is, concerns a mysterious cube, the “All Spark”, which apparently gave life to these intelligent machines and, in the wrong hands, also has the equally mysterious ability to destroy the planet. In this case, the wrong hands are the Decepticons. Their leader, Megatron, in pursuit of the cube, crash landed on Earth and has been frozen in artic ice for a millennia, only to be discovered by explorers and brought to Section 7, a secret establishment set up by President Hoover (who else…!) inside the Hoover Dam (where else…!). So we get seemingly endless scenes involving various US defence agencies, secret organisations and copious amounts of military hardware. The cube ultimately comes to teenager Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), via a number of ridiculous coincidences, who has befriended Bumblebee, a friendly Autobot (Autobots = good guys, protectors of humanity, etc…), and with whom the fate of the Earth now depends.

Attempts to invest the film with a sense of humour are partially successful, and there is a delightful sequence involving Witwicky’s parents. Aware that their son is up to something in his bedroom, they initially accuse him of masturbating, before Bay revels several Autobots hiding in the garden, desperately clinging to walls and staying out of sight. As any nine year old would tell you, its as if being spotted by parents would break the spell and make them all disappear. Here, the guiding hand of Spielberg (Executive Producer) can be easily detected. The film toys with the same childhood fantasies explored to greater effect in “ET”. Like ET, Bumblebee, the friendly yellow Autobot (and “Herbie the Love Bug” rip off) is carted off by the military for scientific testing, tugs at our heartstrings when he is disabled in the final battle, and yet returns to fight another day. Irritatingly, unlike ET, he provides a perfect opportunity to set up a sequel when he asks to stay on Earth at the end of the film.

This film will probably please most Transformers fans, and although I’m not versed in the appropriate lore, my suspicions are that this movie sticks reasonably close to its source material. It’s a live action cartoon, a two dimensional trigger fest. Yet it remains delightfully unpretentious and despite a lame plot, this film delivers big bangs, explosions, crashes and enough engine oil to lubricate even the most hardened of cynical viewers.